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Monday, August 16, 2010


Blame is an interesting activity that is worthy of study. When there is something wrong, it's very curious why people first have the urge to go looking for someone else who can be the reason for their problems.
Have to admit, this same thought of being a victim often happens when I must look for something that I have misplaced. What really happened was that I found a "secure" spot for it in a remotely "safe" location. In an attempt to foil possible theft, I hid the item from myself! Nobody stole it from me. But this is what I begin to fear as I frantically look for it.

No wonder people look for scapegoats. Someone to blame is so convenient to have around.

Sophie Lhoste Are polite relationships draining your energy?


Reading this article leaves me to wonder how those energy vampires feel about people who label them.

Beyond the judgmental conclusions of name-calling, what do loving people constructively do about this situation? Couldn't people who complain and label just learn more gracefully and tactfully to ask for what they need or want as a questionable point continues to happen routinely? Why do we need to resort to name-calling to demonize others for allowing some room to adjust to each others evolving needs?

I'm asking these questions because I really want answers. A mark of true friendship is to be able to hear other points of view without imagining it is an attack. I don't intend to deliver my opinions veiled as questions. I want to let the spin cycle come to a close before we open the oven to see if the souffle fell. Divorce seems to be a rite of passage, rather than a last resort. People are too quick to come to a conclusion that writes off others. They could look for new ideas about how to deal with a new situation that is unfamiliar.

Let's think for a moment from the point of view of these people you want to blame for taking your energy. 
What would they say they are doing to deal with how you are acting?
The first platitude that makes sense is "live and let live." 
Can it be OK to say: "if you can't say something constructive, don't say anything"...?  
What about the tolerance and compassion of, "OK, whatever floats your boat"! 
Isn't it supportive to indicate," I'm gonna leave it up to you to call me when your available again."

Is it a requirement that those closest to us should ALWAYS read our minds so they can provide exactly the support we need in the moments they determine that we must have it? 

Isn't that a bit self-involved to expect from the mere humans who happen to have already been loving us?

Why should every moment, every support, every activity be so much drama that we must come to a resolved conclusion about What It Is and arbitrarily determined we should cut off the relationships that we have decided must be "draining us"?

It's the empty spaces that get left up to us to provide content.  Leave some dead air for a change and have it all be OK. Assume love. Those people who used to love you might want you to be happy, but are they could be innocently clueless about what you want them to do because you're not being all that articulate. Get a little more proactive and indicate what is appropriate and constructive.
  Just...take a nap or go for a walk; play with the pet or the kids. Nobody is sucking you dry, just stop expecting there is a trade or tacit agreement of exchange as you give.


  1. Thank you for reading my blog and for mentioning me in your blog Franis.
    You decided that calling someone an energy vampire was name calling when really it is just a description of the fact that interacting with some people tends to rob us of our energy instead of creating loving positive energy.
    If I am an energy vampire for some people and they avoid me that's ok with me: I can't please everyone all the time, as proven by your post today.
    When an interaction robs me of energy to the point that it is debilitating, I make a note of the interaction and avoid it UNTIL I CAN HEAL the part of me that was reacting negatively. There is only so much I can do in one day and some of that stuff takes time. I am a severe abuse survivor and I have learned to disengage when I am being disabled. I am not saying it is the best or most balanced response. Many of my clients are also abuse survivors and need to be validated and supported in creating a safe space for themselves.
    Of course in the long run we want to be able to interact with anyone in a loving way. In the meantime, there is daily reality and how to cope with it. Twenty years ago one of my teachers used to say: "I am not perfect! I am a Buddhist, not a Buddha!"

    PS: I did not 'refuse' to respond to you, It was summer and I was busy with my 3 kids, family etc and had very little time to be on a computer.

  2. You've got an articulate ability to respond - thanks!

    Of course, everyone is seeing the world and interpreting the effects of their environments from their own history and experience. I really appreciate your honesty about what motivates you to react the way you do. This gives me a much more full picture of your motives and experience.