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Saturday, March 22, 2008

Green-eyed Monster

In my distant past, I discovered that jealousy (for me) was made up of a catch-22 between a desire for privacy/autonomy and a fear of being left out/loneliness. There was nothing I could do about making either choice because it precluded the other. But there was a third emotion in there that I could do something about - competition. As I stopped my competitive urges in the moments of feeling envy - (which was really an insecurity comparing myself to this other woman because I didn't really know what made me attractive to the guy I was with,) it disassembled the whole jealousy thing for me. It made me invite the person to be closer to me as well as him; the girl I was jealous of felt the shift and disappeared, because being close to both of us was too wierd for her. Was a very interesting experience.

Lately experienced other people expecting me to be jealous. A regular friend of my boyfriend tried to "diss" me by dis-inviting me on a camping trip, and a few other events. She attempted to redefine my role in my relationship with my boyfriend as "mothering. " Perhaps she didn't know that his relationship with his mother really sucked - and that he really needed the "mothering." For some reason, she regarded our ongoing relationship as "dependent" without knowing much about it. Obviously, she didn't have much of a clue about the sort of relationship we were having.

But at the time, it really confused her how I was reacted to her, because I think that I was supposed to get jealous and forbid him to be able to see her, or I was supposed to break up with him - or something like that. He finally admitted to me that he'd been in love with her for awhile. I replied, "Of course you'd be in love with the person who makes music with you; music opens up your heart. Doing something you love makes you grateful to the people who do it with you. " This was not what he expected to hear.

I pointed out that although he had thought about how much he loved her, he didn't break our monogamy agreement. He pointed out that the reason he didn't was because she wasn't interested in him, particularly. I pointed out that she was getting all the advantages of being in a relationship without "putting out" anyway, and that if he did get involved with her, she'd shelve him after a couple of weeks as we had watched her do to the last five men who had courted her... except for the guy who had other "regular" sometimes women like her. She came back to this guy pretty regularly every four months in between the other guys.

I could totally see how and why my boyfriend liked her so much. She was a blast to hang out with, never a dull moment. We would laugh and make up songs and giggle some more in slumber party mode until we were so drunk with connections. She had a wonderful way with her kids that made them into great people. But she was also dangerously reactive and defensive and had a habit of voting with her feet. It made her quite a natural gypsy.

I'm actually writing this post after the fact, but I'm putting a date on it at the time it was happening. I don't really like drama, so I tend not to write about such things in my blog until after they aren't happening.

Later she decided to avoid me entirely. Perhaps it was because she finally decided to take my boyfriend for a spin after I'd moved out and I guess she was afraid I'd bite after that. Although I had a great relationship with her daughter that I would have liked to continue, she said I was "weird" to a friend of ours. When grilled exactly how I was so weird, she replied, "I dunno, just ...weird." I didn't react the way she imagined women should react - be defensive, back-stabbing, catty and competitive. Go figure.

She back on the island now after declaring she was moving to the mainland. But, since I decided to forgo bringing people into my life who are difficult to deal with, I guess that I'm going to forgo helping her out - although I know she needs a footing. Which is too bad, because I really enjoyed her daughter's art connection with me, and it was really fun updating her blog with her daughter when she came over to play with me. It was such a pleasure to spend time with a very dedicated artist; even if she was only nine years old. I'll miss her. It's too bad her mom thinks I'm weird.