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Thursday, December 24, 2009

I Could Do Anything, If Only...

If only I...

  • ...was funnier, could make people laugh.
  • ...could balance my desire to take care of others with the ability to walk my talk - for myself.
  • ...If only I knew how to inspire others.
  • ...if only I would exercise. I hate exercise. I need a goal, somewhere to go, something to do that makes me get out and move. Instead, I think of how much it's going to cost me in money that I don't have to get in the car and go swimming.
  • ...If only I hadn't started from being so twisted up physically. Sometimes I am so discouraged that I'll never totally undo the limiting patterns I learned since before I learned to walk.
  • ...if only I could afford to fix my teeth, maybe people would listen to what I have to offer. I hate that I have to accept social norms and can't control the petty things other people think about me.
  • ...if only my own standards did not expand just ahead of my abilities, so that I'm always chasing behind what I feel I should already know how to do.
  • If only I could be a better example that people would recognize as the beauty, grace and effortlessness of where I'm pointed. If only people could see how far I've come, how much I've learned. Instead, people want instant results.
  • ...If only I didn't have to educate people before they could even recognize that they desperately need what I have to offer. Why do I always pick these skills that marry the physical with the mental, beyond what anyone else could imagine is possible? If only I wasn't attempting to educate on subject that are "before my time."
  • ...if only I could quit training for livelihoods that require me to keep appointments. It's always been such a struggle for me to be on time.
  • ..if only I .would get over having "just enough money" to survive. I seem to be so quixotic, always putting the surrender of my beliefs ahead of my own comfort. If I don't have a deadline or someone to show off my work to, I'll drop the threads that could bring me into a position to offer so much more to so many more people.
  • ...if only those twenty projects wouldn't be clamoring for my attention, like gremlins. ME! ME! Work on ME!
  • ...if only it wasn't so tempting to fritter away my time. At least I don't watch TV anymore, but there is still not enough time.
  • ..if only I could stop creating interdependence by choosing others to take care of who are "bad risks" who need my help so desperately. They're energy drains, but I've learned to dance out of the way of their negativity, but this leaves me a dancing fool. So I have these non-functional adults who love me that I have to hold up if I want friends. Other people who are functional don't want these useless people around who are my friends, so they isolate me.
  • ...if only establishing boundaries did not have a "cost". I don't like being a respected authority, and yet I crave to offer the benefit of my own observations and resourceful ideas. I'd rather have rapport with people, but my emotional maturity scares people away.
  • ...if only I could just be OK as a hermit. I have so much to do to "polish my stone" that I could pretty much stop relating to people and just work. But I crave belonging.
  • ...If only I knew how to communicate what has been so valuable to me. Even though it takes people into a backlash beyond fear itself, I know it is one way through because it has been so for me.
  • ...if only I could live long enough to be respected. 
  • ...If only I could accept that in my culture, a woman can only have either respect or rapport. 
  • ...If only I could find a way to marry rapport and respect, because at heart I know am a teacher who is brilliant at rapport and at simplifying what others have stumbled over for decades.
  • ...if only I was better at managing groups and could accept that I will never be "normal." 
  • ...If only I could believe that I don't need to be an authority that part of me loathes, because I feel as if I'll be squished like a bug if I show my own brilliance. I can merely have something to communicate.
  • ...If only I could find a way to present what I know is valuable so that others could recognize its value.
  • ...if only I knew more musicians. Live music inspires me.
  • ...if only I wasn't so long-winded. No wonder I'm not a raging success with all these "if onlys."
So there.

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