Complimenting

Initiated by my Dad's talent for complimenting, I have put quite a bit of effort into the challenge of offering an effective and useful compliment. I believe that it's among our most important jobs as a friend to be able to compliment others. It’s especially valuable to me to get an observation from a stranger who possesses no "vested interest.” They have nothing to gain from offering you approval and/or articulation of a quality they’re noticing that you seem to possess. It’s so useful to get a sense of observations from others about how I "come across" socially, emotionally and creatively.

However, some people react oddly to being complimented. Most commonly, people will avoid receiving a compliment by brushing it off, discounting the value of the compliment, ignoring it, including deciding that the quality of the compliment is "hollow."

Just become someone wasn't the most perceptive or specific about what it is they admire that is the root of their offering, doesn't mean their comment was categorically insincere. If someone offers an unspecific compliment, my next move in that "lame" situation is to open a dialog, saying something like, "It would be more useful to me if you could be more specific?" I might ask them a question to help them to point their observations. Their lack of specifics might mean that they are shy to intrude into the territory of being my judge. When asked about this, especially women will plead that they don’t want to be perceived as vain, proud or better than others.

When being complimented, sometimes people react with, "Why should I care what YOU think?" It's as if a person must have a "right" to offer the compliment! I'm never sure if, by delivering a compliment, I'm setting myself up as an authority who is in a position to bestow the approval that I imply the person supposedly craves from me. I'm just offering an observation.

I love it when people are acute and specific about their observations. Don’t make it “about you,” as in “I like that you...” etc. To just offer what you observe is enough.


At least the intent to bestow a compliment was happening!